It Wasn't Supposed to Be This Way

It wasn’t supposed to be this way… those words have been coming up like Coca-Cola bubbles & fizz for way too long now.  I hated to admit what I had said I didn’t have from the get-go, I actually had in spades – expectations.  They were there & real & alive & triggering that statement over & over again like a broken record: It wasn’t supposed to be this way.  Yet it was, & it is, & it is causing much hurt to my heart, ‘cause this is real where fairy tales end & the rubber meets the road, & sometimes Cinderella’s glass slipper shatters or is just left on the stairs completely without a prince to even give a care she’s running around with one shoe &, oh yeah, her grand coach is turning into an overripe pumpkin.  But this is life, & I’m trying desperately to make it beautiful & to see the beauty in it, but sometimes it is like grasping at fairy stories that never seem to make it in our reality.  This life does not go happily ever after, but as believers & followers of Jesus Christ, our ending does, & it is a hope & promise to cling to in times like these when It wasn’t supposed to be this way is on our tongue, because truth be told, it wasn’t supposed to be this way, but humanity messed it up all those thousands of years ago in the most beautiful garden ever known, but you know that story, don’t you?  I pray you know the story of Jesus, too, because His story changes everything & brings the beauty {in spades}, & makes it wasn’t supposed to be this way a phrase of unmerited mercy, grace, & love to us all through the gift of Jesus Christ.

I penned this in my journal over a year ago, & I'm still feeling these words, but I cling to the hope that I have a good heavenly Father who has good things in store, & I know the story ends in happily ever after for His children.

P.S.: Sorry I have been so very absent from the blog for so long.  Stay posted as I try to get back to it!  Thanks for being here!

True Tunes

Getting Up {& Choosing Joy}

It hasn't been easy, this getting up & choosing joy business.  I feel like it's something everyone knows they should do when they find themselves in dark places, but the actual doing of it & living it out is where it gets sticky.  The other day it sorta clicked for me in a different way than it ever had before, & I feel like in that moment it moved from something I knew I should do {yet didn't know how or even want to try & muster the strength for}, to something I saw I could actually do {& not through my own strength, but through Christ's}.

It was in a moment of struggle, where in all honesty all my mouth wanted to say was unkindness to the human I promised to love most.  It didn't matter who was right anymore or how true or warranted I felt the words were, all I know was that in my own sinful nature those words that weren't fit for God's daughter wanted to spew out like scorching dragon fire-breath.  The ache of that moment could be felt in my very bones.  And yet, truly miraculously, I found myself next to him, putting my arms around him, & speaking love.  The words surprised me, & even as I spoke I thought inside, These aren't the words I want to say - & I knew it had to be Jesus then, answering the prayer I had prayed over & over in our marriage, Lord, give me the words to say.  And keep me from saying the words I shouldn't.  Silent tears sprang up paired with gratitude, at the awesome display of His great strength in my great weakness, spoken so evidently to my soul in that moment.

It clicked for me then, what I had known, but never fully wanted to live out... The only person whose actions I could change was me.  The only person I was accountable to was God.  And, no matter the out-of-my-control circumstances swirling around me, I could choose joy.  I could get up & love more like Jesus.  And I can do what feels impossible in the moment, because His perfect strength makes up for my imperfect lack.

True, it won't be smooth going from here on out.  I'm forever a sinner saved & continually relying on my Savior Jesus this side of heaven.  The enemy is utterly bent against my joy & freedom in Christ - & I continue to witness his schemes unfolding against me.  This lesson will likely need to reclick again & again in my life, but today I'm getting up & choosing joy, because I know God's strength is with me & it is more than enough for every battle.

The Sad Days

I couldn't wait for summer back when school was in session.  I would make up lists both in my head & on paper of things I wanted to do once I was free.  But now that I'm here in it, I've found these days to trigger much sadness.  Being alone all day while my husband is at work is, well, lonely.  I have to push myself to do things, to get out, to get out of my pajamas & take a shower for goodness sake.  And it seems all the sad things - the things that are wrong, or broken, or unknown, or hurt me - well these things are all staring me in the face saying, "Give me your time...  Think upon me... I will keep you company & keep you safe... I am true & real..."  And, I'm ashamed to say it, but often I've listened.  Not wholeheartedly perhaps, though maybe sometimes, but enough to get the message & then cry out to Jesus in prayer to help me out of this desperation, because I don't want to be here in these sad days.  In this depression.

And I know He hears & knows & understands & cares & has purpose.  Even in the sad days where moments may tell me otherwise, I still know.  So, I wait on Him.  And I try to do better today than I did yesterday.  I try to see the good that seems invisible.  Because, yes, it is there.  And I keep crying out to my Heavenly Father God, because I know He cares & loves & is forever listening.  Especially in the sad days.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted & saves those who are crushed in spirit."

-Psalm 34:18

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud & mire; He set my feet on a rock & gave me a firm place to stand."

-Psalm 40:2

When Mother's Day Isn't Easy...

I had a mission at church this morning {& I confess it wasn't the right one}.  My mission was to keep it together & not let a single, solitary tear fall... &, oh, how they wanted to pour out like a gushing waterfall.  There are a myriad of unique & deeply personal reasons why today might hurt.  Whatever reason that is yours that made you stop & read this far, please know that you are not unseen, but seen by your Savior.  He counts every tear drop - perhaps even the ones you hold tightly in - & He loves deep & wide & vast... even on the days when it seems to your humanity - & mine - that He doesn't.  He is forever good & forever faithful & He will wrap you up in His love if you just ask Him to.  No, it won't stop all the pain & tears, but it will give you a place to cry in safety & understanding love.  I pray His peace will carry you today & always, through joys & sorrows, until you are safely home with Him.  You are seen & loved, dear sister.  Hold on, because He is holding you.

'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus

I found myself scribbling these words on my bulletin this past Sunday morning.  In a world that seems so full of fear, Christ is where our trust must anchor...

Maybe I don't have to trust everyone.  Just Him, & that's a freeing thing.

He will hold me & there is no pretense & there is no question of if I'm enough for Him or what He thinks deep down of me & all the other awful unknown wonderings that engulf me with everyone else {except maybe my mom (thanks, mom)}.  But with all else I question & I hesitate to trust, because I fear the pain that just may follow such a risky, risky thing.

But with Him, I can trust & risk the risk that is no risk at all.  And in His hands I can place all the rest of fickle & faulty humanity {including myself: the president of the club} & trust Him with the lot.  When all else is wavering & uncertain, He is rock solid & unchanging - the same yesterday, today, & forever {Hebrews 13:8}.

How amazing is He!  I must trust Him, for He is forever trustworthy.  Amen.

I'm Going to Trust You

The other night things were reeling in my mind & unraveling in front of me & I was in a place of just plain struggle. I clicked open the little private file where I journal the hard truths out for my sanity... about to open my heart real honest + complain about my circumstances {honestly, guys}.  I was about to, that is, until I scanned the last entry before...

11/19/2017

I’m going to trust You, Lord, about my desire for a baby.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, about my husband.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, about my true beauty in You.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, to be my fulfillment of joy & truest love.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, for my genuine purpose & the adventures (& misadventures) You have for me.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, with every burden, worry, heartache, & care cast upon You, because You care so for this girl who belongs to You.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

I couldn't write what I had planned to.  Because, well... writing it down wasn't really any kind of sign of real trust in the Lord, like I had professed.  In fact, it was kind of the opposite.  Now, what I did type up that night, wasn't much better, but it was honest...

1/4/2018

I came here to write something else, but then I read the above... I don’t seem to know how to hold on to trust.

Sometimes trust can be slippery & hard to hold like grasping at soft serve ice cream.  Maybe it's not something to hold onto at all, but more like a remembering the One to hold to - & that's always gonna be Jesus.  Am I sounding like a Hallmark card, here?  Sorry.  I think one thing I'm relearning, because it is head-knowledge, just maybe not heart-&-soul-knowledge {or maybe it's vice versa}, but trust is a choice & it isn't just made once for all time.  It has to be chosen again & again.  And again.  And not just for one day, but each day, & more likely each moment.  

So today, & precisely for this moment, I'm choosing to trust You, Lord, with all the above & all the messy in between.  

Oh, how I need You.  And, oh, how I trust You are there.

Heart + Soul Check-Up

I notice something when I haven't been writing down the gifts - all the rich blessings tiny, big, & all the in between that I began when I first read Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts a couple years ago now...  My mind & heart focus on all that has gone wrong & is wrong & will probably be wrong or could possibly be wrong, & deep inside the troll cave I've turned into my mind I'm alone & overthinking every little thing & stuck in the muck that I over-analyzed & zoom-magnified into... & it is dark & scary & devastating & I am broken there & I forget who I am in Christ, & that Christ is in me.  Let's soak that in for a mere moment {or a thousand}: Christ is in me.  Thus, can't I do all things {Philippians 4:13}?  Hasn't He given me what I need through the gift of the Holy Spirit {2 Timothy 1:7}?  And with prayer - not worry - can't I talk to Him about what is hurting my heart {Philippians 4:6}?

Sometimes I just need to do a gratefulness heart & soul check-up to see where I'm laying the focus in my circumstances.  To see if I'm counting up the gifts or the fears & worries.  To see where I'm fixing my gaze.  To see if I'm fixing my eyes on Jesus who gave it all for me {Hebrews 12:2}.  Who better to trust my life with, than the giver of every good gift {James 1:17}?  Who better to look to when the doubts start piling up in my noggin?  He is the truest source of joy {He created it, after all} that never fades in this temporary, passing life, & sometimes the best place to start remembering that is to start looking around with new eyes & counting every gift.

This girl definitely needed that check-up tonight, too.

This is Just for Me {& Just Maybe You}...

To remember Your ways are higher.

Your faithfulness is never shaken.

And not one thing is a surprise to You.  Not one.

That You care beyond my mortal understanding.  For me.

That You are here in the middle of it all.

That You are leading me to something.  Always.

You are the best Author, Creator, Father, Giver of good gifts.

This life is hard, but You make it a good gift.

There is hope found in You - no where else.  Just You.  But I'm finding that is enough.  & more.

You have become my true worth.  My identity.  No one else.  Just You.

You forgive my soul.

You fill me with Your goodness, power, & Holy Spirit.

You are my first & truest love.

So I can now say, Your will be done.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen.

Psalm 27:13-14

This was the worn bleakness of yesterday that I've been feeling off & on for what feels like a long while now.

Today is new.  And I get to choose.  I get to choose these verses that are my long go-to favorites that speak to my soul & its longings.  I get to choose to believe in them & a good God who, in all perfect wisdom, placed them into His holy Word.  I think know He knew I would need them...  To be reminded that our hope isn't just for the glorious no-more-tears finally home in heaven time, but for the broken painful dusty journey oh-so-many-tears time of this earth & this day & this moment.

Lord, I'm waiting for You in the land of the living.  You are my hope.

And again, these verses are being prayed out of my lips like they are my very breath.

Psalm 25:16-18

I've been running to these verses lately, because, well, they seem to apply right now.  This is where I am.  This is what's true.  Underneath the pretty photos & that smile planted on my face is a girl that's hurting - & feeling pretty much broken.

I don't know how I got here - where I never planned to be, but I can't escape the truth that God knows my story before it unfolds & nothing is surprising Him - & perhaps, yes, even this verse is true in these moments that literally wrestle me to the floor in desperation.  

Father, can You just hold onto me & help me know You now.

These verses are being prayed out of my lips like they are my very breath.

Your Fingerprints All Over It All

Is it mere coincidence that so many things have fallen so well for me in these moments?  Tonight it hit me driving home - all the fingerprints of God on my story... all the blessings & ways He has shown Himself so good to this wildflower girl.  Maybe I didn't quite want to see it fully before this moment, because in actuality there are still many things I don't like about my current situation & sometimes my heart wonders at the story I'm living out these days.  But who is a better author than God?  And He is living in me - & I know with utmost certainty He is writing His thread of love throughout my days - His purpose being revealed in so many details like blazing stars connecting in seemingly invisible lines, & yet creating vivid & brilliant constellations.  And I see God doing that - making pictures in my sky with beauty & purpose & all is covered with His fingerprints here {even me}.

P.S.: And I am awestruck at His faithful & true & kind & full-of-love mysterious ways.  

Forgive me for every doubt, Father, & continue to help my unbelief.

In Jesus' Name.

Runner Girl

Sometimes my heart wants to run - & all of me with it.  To run away from the messy mess that chases.  That runner girl that runs 'cause she doesn't know how to do any of this - not really.  And, oh, isn't she scared!  Doesn't she crave, crave, safety & isn't the only truly safe place she knows alone?

I am the runner girl.  And this runner girl needs to run to her Jesus.