It hasn't been easy, this getting up & choosing joy business. I feel like it's something everyone knows they should do when they find themselves in
dark places, but the actual doing of it & living it out is where it gets sticky. The other day it sorta clicked for me in a different way than it ever had before, & I feel like in that moment it moved from something I knew I should do {yet didn't know how or even want to try & muster the strength for}, to something I saw I could actually do {& not through my own strength, but through Christ's}.
It was in a moment of struggle, where in all honesty all my mouth wanted to say was unkindness to the human I promised to love most. It didn't matter who was right anymore or how true or warranted I felt the words were, all I know was that in my own sinful nature those words that weren't fit for God's daughter wanted to spew out like scorching dragon fire-breath. The ache of that moment could be felt in my very bones. And yet, truly miraculously, I found myself next to him, putting my arms around him, & speaking love. The words surprised me, & even as I spoke I thought inside,
These aren't the words I want to say - & I knew it had to be Jesus then, answering the prayer I had prayed over & over in our marriage,
Lord, give me the words to say. And keep me from saying the words I shouldn't. Silent tears sprang up paired with gratitude, at the awesome display of His great strength in my great weakness, spoken so evidently to my soul in that moment.
It clicked for me then, what I had known, but never fully wanted to live out... The only person whose actions I could change was me. The only person I was accountable to was God. And, no matter the out-of-my-control circumstances swirling around me, I could choose joy. I could get up & love more like Jesus. And I can do what feels impossible in the moment, because His perfect strength makes up for my imperfect lack.
True, it won't be smooth going from here on out. I'm forever a sinner saved & continually relying on my Savior Jesus this side of heaven. The enemy is utterly bent against my joy & freedom in Christ - & I continue to witness his schemes unfolding against me. This lesson will likely need to
reclick again & again in my life, but today I'm getting up & choosing joy, because I know God's strength is with me & it is more than enough for every battle.
