Honestly... {Year 1}

Can I be the honest girl here?  Year 1 was hard.

You know how some people say they lose themselves at some point on this daily journey that makes up a life?  Be it after a baby, mid-life crisis, job loss, what-have-you...  For me, it felt like this year.

After uprooting myself from my family & former life & surviving a wedding {which wasn't my best day ever, can I just say - it was my tough, I don't like myself, I'm too scared to keep moving, but I gotta day}, I found myself trying to make things work + feel special & all magic-like, like I want my life to be.  But, it's been so much harder than I ever expected.  After 6+ years of living completely solo in my little cozy one bedroom apartment, in my little twin bed, with my very own bathroom, & doorbell {well, not on my bathroom door, but ya know}, & my own schedule where I do what I want when I want, I discovered something...  I liked it that way, & this new life is going to be a major adjustment like none other.  I wanted to be the best wife ever.  I still want that, but to quote an older Francesca Battistelli song, "perfection is my enemy."

I wanted that "perfect" so bad some days, I pushed myself down & wore myself thin.  I wanted {okay, still want} to please, maybe out of fear that if I didn't that I wouldn't truly be loved anymore.  If I didn't bend myself out of shape & over extend & choose whatever he wanted & always be the loser when a loser/winner was needed, that the real me wouldn't be enough to be loved just for me.

Then there was the separation from my family, friends, & pretty much everything  I held dear besides my husband.  I made the choice.  I chose him over everything, & sometimes it hurt, & was lonely, & was sad, & made me feel like I was the one who truly sacrificed.

So, it's been rough, but you know what?  There has been beauty & sanctifying - for what better place to sanctify when all is overturned & life is new & crazy & I'm not recognizing me & my heart isn't being all pretty like I thought it was anymore, & all I've got is to cling to Him who knows my every hurt + counts every tear-fall?

Yep, God's got me where He wants me, & I'm going to stop kicking & be still, so He can work + display His glory in my little honest messy life.  This is it.  Thanks for reading.