A Word for 2023

I've been seeking things like we all do.  (Did you realize the fact that we're all seeking?)  We're all seekers of something - typically always somethings plural.  But, what are you seeking first?  What are you seeking the most?  

Lately, this has been hitting me hard.  I feel like I've been seeking things - a tidy home, a better marriage, to be a better mama, to be more beautiful inside & out, to find the perfect wallpaper for baby girl's nursery, to find the peace amidst the crazy pain of this broken place called our world, to find the best pregnancy safe face serum for this now over 35 mama...  The list could go on pretty much into infinity.  But what about Jesus?

This verse is it for me right now.  "But seek first His kingdom & His righteousness, & all these things will be given to you as well." -Matthew 6:33 NIV.  The words that feel most important to me are first & His (His referring to the Lord).  Am I seeking Him first, or has His spot been jumbled somehow by the cares of this world & my own selfish sinfulness?  Am I seeking His kingdom, or trying to build one of my own design?  Honestly, I'm not happy with my answers, & honestly (again), it explains much of the anxiety I feel.  The desire to be in control, to be safe, to have what I want when I want it, to be what the world says is best.  I feel as if in this mess, I have lost my first Love (like the church in Ephesus in Revelation 2).  And, well, these other "loves" just don't compare & always end in disappointment, & yet I chase them.  Seek them.  

Lord, forgive me.  Lord, bring me back to You, my first & truest Love.  You are what I want to be seeking first & most & hardest.  You, & you alone, are the one to satisfy the longings of my heart.  May I fall deeper in love with you each & every day.  Help me, Lord, to seek You first & Your kingdom & Your righteousness.  In Jesus' Name, Amen.

"You will seek Me & find Me when you seek Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

33 Realizations from this 33 Year Old

Today's the day - my birthday.  33 years on this planet & here's a few things I know...
  

1. God sees you.
2. He loves you more than you can fathom.
3. He is sovereign & has good in store for us.
4. He really does know best.
5. His timing really is perfect.
6. Drink more water.  It is good for you, calorie free, & practically free.
7. Exercise is worth it in so many ways.
8. Start your day with prayer + keep it going alll day.
9. Sometimes you just might need to watch a Disney movie.
10. Eat more fiber.
11. Eat more fruits + veggies.
12. Comparison will always be an option in this world, but so is the ability to say no to it.
13. Worry truly gets you nothing good + wastes your precious time.
14. Don't forget all the prayers He's answered + all the things you have now that used to fill your prayer life.
15. Practice gratitude in word + deed.
16. Read your Bible for yourself - never take what others preach as gospel until you compare it to His Word.
17. Figure out your gifts + talents {everybody has 'em}, then use 'em for the Lord.
18. Always tithe what you've been blessed to earn.
19. Laugh lots.
20. If it's possible for you, get a good night's sleep as often as you can.
21. Don't let the opportunities to speak kind, life-giving words to others slip by.
22. Say "I love you" often to the people you love.
23. Act out "I love you" often to the people you love.
24. Don't take people + things + circumstances for granted - life is short & not too much is guaranteed.
25. Try to make every day special.
26. Sometimes you need to eat dessert first.
27. Nature is free therapy - go get out in God's creation.
28. Learn to laugh at yourself + don't sweat the small stuff.
29. With Jesus you truly are forgiven + free - live like that.
30. You are never alone.
31. Thrift stores can be unexpected treasure troves.
32. Put your phone down more - you'll find real life is out there happening & you could actually be a part of it!
33. True beauty doesn't wash off or fade & is more valuable than the superficial stuff.

It Wasn't Supposed to Be This Way

It wasn’t supposed to be this way… those words have been coming up like Coca-Cola bubbles & fizz for way too long now.  I hated to admit what I had said I didn’t have from the get-go, I actually had in spades – expectations.  They were there & real & alive & triggering that statement over & over again like a broken record: It wasn’t supposed to be this way.  Yet it was, & it is, & it is causing much hurt to my heart, ‘cause this is real where fairy tales end & the rubber meets the road, & sometimes Cinderella’s glass slipper shatters or is just left on the stairs completely without a prince to even give a care she’s running around with one shoe &, oh yeah, her grand coach is turning into an overripe pumpkin.  But this is life, & I’m trying desperately to make it beautiful & to see the beauty in it, but sometimes it is like grasping at fairy stories that never seem to make it in our reality.  This life does not go happily ever after, but as believers & followers of Jesus Christ, our ending does, & it is a hope & promise to cling to in times like these when It wasn’t supposed to be this way is on our tongue, because truth be told, it wasn’t supposed to be this way, but humanity messed it up all those thousands of years ago in the most beautiful garden ever known, but you know that story, don’t you?  I pray you know the story of Jesus, too, because His story changes everything & brings the beauty {in spades}, & makes it wasn’t supposed to be this way a phrase of unmerited mercy, grace, & love to us all through the gift of Jesus Christ.

I penned this in my journal over a year ago, & I'm still feeling these words, but I cling to the hope that I have a good heavenly Father who has good things in store, & I know the story ends in happily ever after for His children.

P.S.: Sorry I have been so very absent from the blog for so long.  Stay posted as I try to get back to it!  Thanks for being here!

Of Summer Things & 'The Now'

Summer is almost here & I'm writing down all the things I want to do & counting down days.  It's that time of year in teacherdom where it seems all at once so close & so far.  It's only 12 more days!  How can I possibly survive for 12 more days?  Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

More than ever, besides all the bucket-y list items of go to the library, eat a snow cone, and clean out the closets, I want to be present in the now & enjoying what I've got this summer {& beyond}.  Oh yes, how easy it is to always be waiting on the next best & brightest - the new adventure your hoping/praying will be just around the bend... But what about the now?!  The minutes & seconds & moments that are precious & real & spinning past & being neglected &, yes, even wished away {hence my school countdown}.  I find it a fine line indeed between the now & the hope of the better in the not-now.  It's tricky, but I don't want to miss the now amid all the pressing thoughts of When we get a house... When we get pregnant... When we get out of debt...  When Jesus returns... 😇  Because one day, my sisters, He will & there will be no more waiting around for anything, & we will give an account for all our days.  Thank You, Jesus, that You are faithful even when I am not.

Let's make our moments count.

Oh, yes... & in the end loving Him is all that counts.

Burned Out Teacher Truths

It is such a sad feeling really & it at once works me up so bad I can feel the blood boil, that this is the reality for too many teachers in too many public schools in this country.  That this is the state of education here in this century...

This little blog of mine has been pretty neglected lately.  The life of a teacher is a busy/crazy one, & I'm finding more & more, at least in public education, it's just not what it used to be.  With standardized tests, pressures from the county trickling down to administration & then pouring onto educators, micro-managing bosses, uninvolved parents, people making the big decisions who haven't been in the classroom for years - or perhaps ever, "politics" for want of a better word, & those who pick teachers apart during observations & evaluations...  This just isn't what I want anymore.  The demands to be superheros or, at least, someone who has very little home/social life or sanity left or both is crazy.  I think I would have been happy back in the one room school house days or even education 50 years ago.  Today, it is a politicized mess with way too many pressures & demands on those who should be  making the "big bucks" in our society.  If you find yourself at a struggling school, like I have the majority of my career & am in now, that's on some district list of under performing schools, just teetering on the edge of a state takeover, where the kids come in each day with so much baggage of pain, violence, neglect, & poverty... then you know the pressure, the demands, the crazy, the hurt of just wanting to teach the kids of love, and life, and the sweet stuff of meeting them where they are and making them fall in love with the very act of learning, giving them a safe place to be fed body, soul, & mind.  But, instead, you know you face the mandates, the "best practices" flavors-of-the-month, intervention curriculum, & constant push to up the scores - because isn't that what it's all about?  For me - for this teacher - it is not, & so I think my farewell to public education is long overdue, for I have beat my head against this wall long enough.  I've already made it known to my school I will not be signing next year's contract.  It is at once freeing & unnerving, as I don't know what God has in store next, but I know He goes with me, & where He goes I hope to always follow.  Three months to go & counting...

Remember

Sometimes I need reminding...

I need to hear those good, good words of what Jesus did for me once more.  For little messed-up, still-in-as-much-need-of-Him-as-when-I-first-breathed-this-mortal-air, me.  The story is so embedded into my head knowledge, but sometimes my heart could use a refresher course.  I forget all the details, the wonder, the Truth, the freedom, the impact, the gratitude.  And in my place of complacency my great need for Him is only magnified.  I will forever need You, Lord, I surely can't do this on my own.  So, I pray for fresh ears & refreshed faith, because I've forgotten the grace & goodness & joy that are mine in Him, bought at an inconceivable price.  I am forgiven & free & hallelujah & thanksgiving should live on my lips.  But I am forgetful, too.  Just like the Israelites grumbling through their wilderness wandering before me.  The pounding of this world can cause me to take my eyes off Jesus &, just like that, I've forgotten whose I am, how valuable He says I am, & how the story ends.  So I return to the cross & to the One who hung there for me, & stay close this time, & remember, & pray for fresh ears & refreshed faith once more.

Today, I need to remember.

Recently, I heard this song on the radio from Steven Curtis Chapman & I just had to add it here. It speaks of remembering all God has brought you through & how's He's lovingly carried you all this way. It reminds me to remember to remember.

 

When Mother's Day Isn't Easy...

I had a mission at church this morning {& I confess it wasn't the right one}.  My mission was to keep it together & not let a single, solitary tear fall... &, oh, how they wanted to pour out like a gushing waterfall.  There are a myriad of unique & deeply personal reasons why today might hurt.  Whatever reason that is yours that made you stop & read this far, please know that you are not unseen, but seen by your Savior.  He counts every tear drop - perhaps even the ones you hold tightly in - & He loves deep & wide & vast... even on the days when it seems to your humanity - & mine - that He doesn't.  He is forever good & forever faithful & He will wrap you up in His love if you just ask Him to.  No, it won't stop all the pain & tears, but it will give you a place to cry in safety & understanding love.  I pray His peace will carry you today & always, through joys & sorrows, until you are safely home with Him.  You are seen & loved, dear sister.  Hold on, because He is holding you.

That Faith Step {+ Free Printable}

Sometimes you just gotta take that first scary step into the unknown, trusting God will be with you.  It isn't easy, but if you seek after His path for your life, it will be more than okay.  It will.

This all makes me think of the scene in Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade where Indiana must take that "leap of faith."  Take a look...

To snag this free printable quote click on the image & then right click & save to your computer {or copy & paste it where you'd like} + print it out.

CONDITIONS OF USE:

My printables are free for personal use only.  Feel free to share them via Pinterest provided you link back to the blog {The Wildflower Journals @ http://thewildflowerjournals.blogspot.com}.  If you want to blog about this printable, or share a project you created using it, that would be amazing, just be sure to credit + link back to the blog {The Wildflower Journals @ http://thewildflowerjournals.blogspot.com}.  Please don't share the actual printable on your site - just add a link to it.  Thanks & enjoy!

A Little Wisdom for Your Sunday

"To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory."

-Colossians 1:27

I'm Going to Trust You

The other night things were reeling in my mind & unraveling in front of me & I was in a place of just plain struggle. I clicked open the little private file where I journal the hard truths out for my sanity... about to open my heart real honest + complain about my circumstances {honestly, guys}.  I was about to, that is, until I scanned the last entry before...

11/19/2017

I’m going to trust You, Lord, about my desire for a baby.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, about my husband.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, about my true beauty in You.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, to be my fulfillment of joy & truest love.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, for my genuine purpose & the adventures (& misadventures) You have for me.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, with every burden, worry, heartache, & care cast upon You, because You care so for this girl who belongs to You.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

I couldn't write what I had planned to.  Because, well... writing it down wasn't really any kind of sign of real trust in the Lord, like I had professed.  In fact, it was kind of the opposite.  Now, what I did type up that night, wasn't much better, but it was honest...

1/4/2018

I came here to write something else, but then I read the above... I don’t seem to know how to hold on to trust.

Sometimes trust can be slippery & hard to hold like grasping at soft serve ice cream.  Maybe it's not something to hold onto at all, but more like a remembering the One to hold to - & that's always gonna be Jesus.  Am I sounding like a Hallmark card, here?  Sorry.  I think one thing I'm relearning, because it is head-knowledge, just maybe not heart-&-soul-knowledge {or maybe it's vice versa}, but trust is a choice & it isn't just made once for all time.  It has to be chosen again & again.  And again.  And not just for one day, but each day, & more likely each moment.  

So today, & precisely for this moment, I'm choosing to trust You, Lord, with all the above & all the messy in between.  

Oh, how I need You.  And, oh, how I trust You are there.

10 Quotes That Bear Repeating

"Comparison is the thief of joy." -Theodore Roosevelt

"Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?"

-Lucy Maud Montgomery

"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.  The fears are paper tigers."

-Amelia Earhart

"There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart." -Jane Austen

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"Life is an exciting business, & most exciting when it is lived for others."

-Helen Keller

"We never know what God has up His sleeve.  You never know what might happen; you only know what you have to do now."
-Elisabeth Elliot

"Gratitude for the seemingly insignificant - a seed - this plants the giant miracle."
-Ann Voskamp

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant."
-Robert Louis Stevenson

"We should regret our mistakes & learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us."
-Lucy Maud Montgomery

Messy Truths

I want to write the good stuff.  The stuff that matters.

The days when I was the only filter to run things by before I clicked Publish are over now that I've got a husband {& when I say "got" I mean was "blessed with" (Thank You, Lord)}, & I've been finding it harder to find the honesty & the realness with another person to consider when I type up our life stories for you to read...  In other words, it gets messy & I wanna do it right by everybody.

△

That's something I know...  Life is messy.  And, yet, in our photo-shopped lives & Instagram highlight reels we can make it all look so... perfect.  Though we know it can't possibly be, something in us whispers that maybe it is - maybe, really, most everyone's life {or at least hers or his} is much more picture perfect & it's just me & mine that are a hot mess.  Everybody else is out picking up succulents & wearing cute new shoes & is always rocking the perfect manicure & being kissed by their spouses while smiling adorably for the camera...  And, worse still, just maybe we need new shoes, a nail appointment, & a house plant, among other things to make it all beautiful & right.  We're always just one more thing away from what we want.

△

The stuff these days is breeding discontent, comparison, & ungratefulness, & it is a fight to fight the good fight, & sometimes you have to check yourself & unplug, unsubscribe, & cancel accounts to get back to where you need to be as God's beloved child.  Whole in Him, not in all the perfectly cropped / beautified pics that hide the real mess of reality.

I think I just needed a little rant.  Thanks for listening.

Honestly... {Year 1}

Can I be the honest girl here?  Year 1 was hard.

You know how some people say they lose themselves at some point on this daily journey that makes up a life?  Be it after a baby, mid-life crisis, job loss, what-have-you...  For me, it felt like this year.

After uprooting myself from my family & former life & surviving a wedding {which wasn't my best day ever, can I just say - it was my tough, I don't like myself, I'm too scared to keep moving, but I gotta day}, I found myself trying to make things work + feel special & all magic-like, like I want my life to be.  But, it's been so much harder than I ever expected.  After 6+ years of living completely solo in my little cozy one bedroom apartment, in my little twin bed, with my very own bathroom, & doorbell {well, not on my bathroom door, but ya know}, & my own schedule where I do what I want when I want, I discovered something...  I liked it that way, & this new life is going to be a major adjustment like none other.  I wanted to be the best wife ever.  I still want that, but to quote an older Francesca Battistelli song, "perfection is my enemy."

I wanted that "perfect" so bad some days, I pushed myself down & wore myself thin.  I wanted {okay, still want} to please, maybe out of fear that if I didn't that I wouldn't truly be loved anymore.  If I didn't bend myself out of shape & over extend & choose whatever he wanted & always be the loser when a loser/winner was needed, that the real me wouldn't be enough to be loved just for me.

Then there was the separation from my family, friends, & pretty much everything  I held dear besides my husband.  I made the choice.  I chose him over everything, & sometimes it hurt, & was lonely, & was sad, & made me feel like I was the one who truly sacrificed.

So, it's been rough, but you know what?  There has been beauty & sanctifying - for what better place to sanctify when all is overturned & life is new & crazy & I'm not recognizing me & my heart isn't being all pretty like I thought it was anymore, & all I've got is to cling to Him who knows my every hurt + counts every tear-fall?

Yep, God's got me where He wants me, & I'm going to stop kicking & be still, so He can work + display His glory in my little honest messy life.  This is it.  Thanks for reading.

Always

This is Just for Me {& Just Maybe You}...

To remember Your ways are higher.

Your faithfulness is never shaken.

And not one thing is a surprise to You.  Not one.

That You care beyond my mortal understanding.  For me.

That You are here in the middle of it all.

That You are leading me to something.  Always.

You are the best Author, Creator, Father, Giver of good gifts.

This life is hard, but You make it a good gift.

There is hope found in You - no where else.  Just You.  But I'm finding that is enough.  & more.

You have become my true worth.  My identity.  No one else.  Just You.

You forgive my soul.

You fill me with Your goodness, power, & Holy Spirit.

You are my first & truest love.

So I can now say, Your will be done.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen.

Nothing to Prove // Fave Quotes

Jennie Allen's newest book Nothing to Prove has been such a challenging blessing in my life currently.  Here are a few of my favorite snippets from the wisdom in those pages...

P.S.: You can find my review here.

"This story has a villain.  The villain scouts our lives & presses in at every crack he can find.  He gets into our heads.  His is the voice we hear saying, You are not enough.  You can't do it.  You are losing.  Something about those words rings terribly true."

"God knew we would never be enough.  So He became enough for us.  Jesus is our enough.  Now before you glaze over like you are in 6th grade Bible class, stop.  If memorizing that truth was enough to change us, we could end this thing right here.  The problem with all of our souls is we think we know a truth, but we don't live like it."

"I have found this pattern in Jesus' life, one I had never fully seen before.

He says, I am the Bread of Life.

He is the Bread of Life.  We are not.

He says, I am the Light of the World.

He is the Light.  We are not.

He says, I am the Door.

He is the Door.  We are not.

He says, I am the Way, the Truth.

We are not.

He is enough.  We are not.

I've lived so thirsty because I thought I knew where the water was.  I believed it was on the other side of that ever-moving thick black line of expectations that begged me to cross it, & to get there I'd have to muster up the necessary resources from within me.  That is why I was so tired.  I was trying to be bread & light & life & enough, & I couldn't ever seem to do it."

"God forgive us for deciding what it should look like to follow Him, for suggesting that fulfillment comes more from the life we build here than in the life that waits for us with Him."

"Only God has the resources & ability to exhaustively meet your needs.  Yes, we also were designed to need human relationships, but they can never be enjoyed if we're using them to replace the ultimate relationship.  When we begin to find our deepest, most fundamental needs met in God, then we will go from using people to meet our needs to enjoying people despite the ways they disappoint us."

"We will never kill our fears, though we tend to spend a lot of time trying to do so; we are called to walk on water - & to do so boldly despite our fears.  Jesus isn't scolding us for being afraid; He is calling us out of our comfortable boats to do something unthinkable, something that is possible only through His power.  Every time we risk, we place our lives into the hands of our God & test His enoughness.  It is for our freedom & joy that we stand out past the limits & confines of our comfort."

Your Fingerprints All Over It All

Is it mere coincidence that so many things have fallen so well for me in these moments?  Tonight it hit me driving home - all the fingerprints of God on my story... all the blessings & ways He has shown Himself so good to this wildflower girl.  Maybe I didn't quite want to see it fully before this moment, because in actuality there are still many things I don't like about my current situation & sometimes my heart wonders at the story I'm living out these days.  But who is a better author than God?  And He is living in me - & I know with utmost certainty He is writing His thread of love throughout my days - His purpose being revealed in so many details like blazing stars connecting in seemingly invisible lines, & yet creating vivid & brilliant constellations.  And I see God doing that - making pictures in my sky with beauty & purpose & all is covered with His fingerprints here {even me}.

P.S.: And I am awestruck at His faithful & true & kind & full-of-love mysterious ways.  

Forgive me for every doubt, Father, & continue to help my unbelief.

In Jesus' Name.

To Us: The Perpetually Unqualified

&, yet, still He chooses to use us...

“In a very real sense not one of us is qualified, but it seems that God continually chooses the most unqualified to do His work, to bear His glory.  If we are qualified, we tend to think that we have done the job ourselves.  If we are forced to accept our evident lack of qualification, then there's no danger that we will confuse God's work with our own, or God's glory with our own.”

-Madeleine L'Engle