I'm Going to Trust You

The other night things were reeling in my mind & unraveling in front of me & I was in a place of just plain struggle. I clicked open the little private file where I journal the hard truths out for my sanity... about to open my heart real honest + complain about my circumstances {honestly, guys}.  I was about to, that is, until I scanned the last entry before...

11/19/2017

I’m going to trust You, Lord, about my desire for a baby.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, about my husband.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, about my true beauty in You.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, to be my fulfillment of joy & truest love.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, for my genuine purpose & the adventures (& misadventures) You have for me.

I’m going to trust You, Lord, with every burden, worry, heartache, & care cast upon You, because You care so for this girl who belongs to You.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

I couldn't write what I had planned to.  Because, well... writing it down wasn't really any kind of sign of real trust in the Lord, like I had professed.  In fact, it was kind of the opposite.  Now, what I did type up that night, wasn't much better, but it was honest...

1/4/2018

I came here to write something else, but then I read the above... I don’t seem to know how to hold on to trust.

Sometimes trust can be slippery & hard to hold like grasping at soft serve ice cream.  Maybe it's not something to hold onto at all, but more like a remembering the One to hold to - & that's always gonna be Jesus.  Am I sounding like a Hallmark card, here?  Sorry.  I think one thing I'm relearning, because it is head-knowledge, just maybe not heart-&-soul-knowledge {or maybe it's vice versa}, but trust is a choice & it isn't just made once for all time.  It has to be chosen again & again.  And again.  And not just for one day, but each day, & more likely each moment.  

So today, & precisely for this moment, I'm choosing to trust You, Lord, with all the above & all the messy in between.  

Oh, how I need You.  And, oh, how I trust You are there.